Inside the bully’s brain: new discoveries

Disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist. But for being bullied for all my life — for my flat nose, dark complexion, hideous funny Tagalog accent, pretentious English accent, soft personality, my man boobs (I was fat for 26 years!), the denuded forest that plaster my skull, inept partying skills, my choice of weird friends, career, nationality, and my seemingly gullible appearance, I have become an expert in bullying.

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Jokes are on you, bald men

Dear bald men,

If, at the first time you are introduced to people and they immediately notice your denuded head and make fun of it, be patient.  People will judge you because your head shines and it hurts their eyes. So, as a revenge, the jokes are on you. If they make fun of your denuded head, don’t get mad. Bald people are supposed to be the clown in the crowd, even if you have an entirely different profession. But don’t fret, bald people stand out because unlike any other forms of human being, they’re the only ones who look like walking eggs. Don’t take it as an insult, because your misery means laughter to the many people who compare your head to the sun — though forgive their lack of taste. And you can’t accuse them as racist, because baldness is not a race. Never get offended when you walk on the street and all of the sudden strangers would yell at you “botak.” People don’t like angry bald people. They’re scared of them. Bald people should be as funny as a clown. So, when your mouth starts to open, make sure it is funny. Do not take life seriously. People will lose their hair if they do, and that’s what makes you funny. Be patient, people, for the jokes are on you.